When My Daughter Pitches | Softball is For Girls

Being the parent of a pitcher is not for the faint at heart. And since so many enjoyed the inside dialogue of When My Daughter is Up To Bat, we thought we would share this gem…. Warning….there may be some foul language involved in this post. 

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Oh My God, they are putting her in. It’s about time they are putting her in, I mean she’s the best pitcher on the team, but my gawd, why did they have to put her in NOW, with bases loaded and no outs.. Do they just want her to fail? These aren’t her walks on the bases. Geezus.At least they are putting her in. 

“You got this KIDDO….relax and do your thing!” 

Yeah, do your thing. Strike these girls out. Crap…is her right shoelace loose, it looks loose to me, if her shoelace is loose she won’t be able to pitch right, I know how she is and little things like this throw her off. Can I call time from the stands? Do the coaches not see her loose shoe lace? Does she NOT see her loose shoelace? Oh gawd…here we go.

“Get ahead Stay Ahead Kiddo!” 

Ha! A strike. Right down the middle of the plate too. She’s lucky that batter didn’t swing. She looks nervous, I wonder if she’s nervous. I’m nervous. She must be nervous. Oh wait…another strike! Maybe the loose shoe lace is a lucky thing. Does anyone have any chewing gum? I hope she’s not chewing gum, she knows she can’t pitch with gum in her mouth. 

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“Way ahead Kid! Finish it!”

And I mean finish it. Sit this girl down so her loud mouth mother over there will shut up. Ball???? What??? What kind of umpire is this. Were his eyes closed? That was the perfect outside pitch?  I swear umpires seem to forget that the plate is 17 inches and that the outside corners count too. Stupid….Wonder if this guy even played ball before?

“WOOOOHOOO NICE PITCH HONEY!” (In my most sarcastic voice ever so the ump gets the message)

Another ball? Seriously? Has this guy been drinking the Kool-Aid? High my ass. Maybe he’s high?? What’s the count? 2-2? Okay. Look at all these moms sitting here like the world is about to end, like their daughter could do any better? Damn shoelace. Is it hot today? I feel really hot. 

Come on Baby YOU GOT THIS! Take a deep breath! 

My poor girl. Look at her out there….all by herself. Everyone is staring at her. What a trooper. I am so proud of her. Oh my, I am about to cry, I can’t cry, ,not now. Focus. Focus. Does anyone have a Xanax? 

“STRIKE 3 – YOU’RE OUT! “

HAHAHAHHA! Yes! I knew she could do it. Wonder what that loud mouth mom has to say now….Ha! You go girl. 

“Coome on baby – just need two more outs!”

Crap, 3 balls in a row. It’s the shoelace. She can’t start walking in runs. What is she doing? 

“Just throw STRIKES baby!”

Did she just roll her eyes at me? Here I am supporting her and she just rolled her eyes at me. Oh, she is definitely not getting an icecream after this game. 

“Finish tall and snap hard – you got this!”

What the hell does that even mean? Finish tall and snap hard. That’s what her pitching coach tells her. I wonder if that’s even a thing? For $35 an hour for pitching lessons, I could tell girls to finish tall and snap hard. YESSSSS, she swung and missed. I swear to God if the coach calls her change-up I am going to get up out of this chair and bumrush the dugout. He knows her change-up has not been working. Crap, I am not sure I can get out of this chair. 

“JUST NEED TWO MORE BABY!” 

Another strike! Yes! What’s the count. 3-2? If the other team starts doing that stupid annoying 3-2 whatcha gonna do cheer, I swear I may have to say something? How rude, right?  What kind of parents do these kids have? Heckling my daughter like that. After all the hard work she puts in. Crap….a hit….

“NOTHING HURT BABY – KEEP GOING!”

They need to pull her. She’s rattled. Its the shoe lace. Are they going to pull her? Just pull her already. Apparently, no one behind her can field a simple ground ball today. I mean how hard is it to catch and throw to first? She’s pitching her ass off, and they can’t catch a ground ball? Maybe she needs to be on a better team? Can someone pass me the skittles, please? 

“Breathe BABY, you got this! I believe in you!”

 Yes, A pop up right to her and she caught it. Looks like she will have to get out of this all on her own. 2 outs, right? Where are they at in the lineup? How many runs scored? Do we have last at bat? Can someone please keep a scoreboard? 

Just you and the BATTER, finish it right here!” 

Okay. Here we go. This girl doesn’t look like she can hit. She’s swinging at everything. 2 strikes….she has this. Look at my baby out there just rocking it. Isn’t she amazing? I am so proud of her. Oh my Dear GAWD….what kinda pitch was that? She knows better than that? Maybe they should pull her. Come on kid, just one more strike, make it count! 

COME ON BABY GIRL….YOU GOT THIS! FOCUS!” 

Another eye roll? She’s lucky she’s wearing a facemask. I can’t watch. Please don’t be a change up.Please dont call the change-up!  OHHHH my GAWD, look at that, what a beautiful changeup. Wonder if the batters know how silly they look swinging at that junk? HAHAHAHAHAH LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO!L! That’s my girl. 

WOOHOOO, THERE YOU GO KID – way to pitch!” 

Is this the last inning? Please say this is the last inning! Oh crap, is she up to bat? She better get a hit! 

Tie YOUR SHOE LACE HONEY!” You’re doing great…. 

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