EYEBLACK. It is the makeup of Satan.
It just has to be. Anything invented to stain expensive jerseys, and not come off with soap and water (or bleach and AJAX and pressure washing) that darkens pores and makes it look like you beat your daughter for days after the games, has to be the product of the devil.
The moment a softball mom sees it, or hears the early morning tournament day suggestion of “hey let’s put some EYEBLACK on,” while one bad influence of a player with braided pigtails, pulls a fresh batch from her bat bag while her inexperienced mom stands by with pride because her daughter is the center of attention, the cringing starts.
And let’s add insult to injury and make this crap with GLITTER. Yay. Because you know, black glue and glitter just make everything better…
And the sideward glances and big eyes of warning from the ‘experienced’ softball moms who have had to deal with the devils make-up before begin giving that “don’t you dare touch that crap,” look to their daughters (who pretend not to see).
Even just the smell of eyeblack, the spoiled sulfur and cheap oil combination, is enough to make any sane person gag. I mean they call it “battle paint” for a reason. Because the BATTLE is REAL!
Throughout the years, we have had our run-ins with EYEBLACK and it seems there are 5 stereotypes of eyeblack wearing softball players….
- The “I fell in a wet cow patty and got literal sh*t all over my face” eyeblack wearer. (see BELOW) This girl just doesn’t know when to stop and she smears it all over her face with such random abandon that it honestly looks like she fell face first into the wettest pile of cow poo she could find. When the sweat starts, her face runs black and there isn’t a place on her body (or jersey) that doesn’t have some sort of eye black on it. When she runs up to hug your kid after a great play, you cringe knowing that she is getting the devils makeup all over your kid, which means it will be all over you, her glove, your car, her pillow, her sheets and anything else she comes in contact with.
- The “WOOHOO MY a$$ you have church tomorrow” eyeblack wearer. This girl gets super excited about the eyeblack because the only thing she is ever allowed to wear is chapstick, but as soon as its her turn to put it on her mom steps in reminding her (firmly) that she has church tomorrow which means NO DON’t YOU DARE put that on your face because I do not want to drag you around looking like you haven’t had a bath in weeks.
- The “I can turn eyeblack into art” kid. She’s uber talented and can make cool designs with her eyeblack, and imitates the college players and tries to put tiger scratches and draws logos with it on her cheeks and arms and everyone else’s arm too. Little does she know that much like a belly tattoo on a pregnant woman, the art appeal will fade as soon as the heat rises and she will end up looking like a drooping ridiculous mess by the end of the first game, so much so you won’t know whether its a smiley face or buttcheeks that she drew on her face.
- The “NO STOP IT’s NOT LIPSTICK” kid. Look, there is always the one who sees the neat little canisters of eyeblacks and decides that since it is shaped like chapstick, and smells like chapstick it must be chapstick and she spreads it all over her lips. Which ends up all over her teeth. And her facemask. And her jersey. And her mom’s shirt. And her glove. (You get the point)
- The “Did you have a game today” eyeblack kid. This is the kid that you see on the first Wednesday after the weekend tournament and she STILL has that stuff caked onto her face and still has the eyeblack tattoo with the number she drew on her arm intact and you know deep down that she hasn’t had a shower since the game because there is no way that stuff should still be there. and be that dark, 4 days after the game….