Fastpitch Softball Translator

What we say, and what we mean are often two entirely different things. In our efforts to remain politically correct, it becomes important for coaches, fans, and parents to read between the lines – especially with all the tryouts and the upside-down basket turnover of players and teams that are quickly approaching as summer season comes to an end….

Today, we offer the fastpitch softball translator.

Here are 10 things you will at some point, (we promise) hear in the softball world, and what these phrases really mean!

1. My daughter is a pitcher and has 6 pitches. Translation” My daughter is a pitcher and she really has two pitches, but she is able to throw them with enough inaccuracy that it looks like she has 6 pitches and we have paid a pitching instructor and he/she says my daughter has 6 pitches. (But she only throws two for strikes)
2. Elite, GOLD, A Ball Team Looking for Elite, GOLD A Ball ONLY Players. Translation: We want to win, win, win, and we don’t really feel like teaching your kid fundamentals so we will charge you a shit ton of money to wear our jersey, and your daughter may or may not play, but there’s a good chance we will get her a scholarship at a D1 school where she will be able to verbal by the time she is in 8th grade, and please not….if your daughter doesn’t perform she will be cut or replaced and spend the rest of the season on the bench.
3. My daughter was not happy with her team and WE are looking for a new team! Translation: WE (her parents) were not happy on the team, and WE (the parents) are looking for a new team for our daughter because the coach was a dim-whit and my daughter didn’t get enough playing time, and the team lost too much, or there was just too much drama, and we want OUT as soon as possible because the grass is always greener on another field.
4. My daughter wants to quit because she is discouraged: Translation: She is being pushed too hard and is burnt out, she wants to quit but we don’t really want her to quit, it is everyone’s fault but ours. How do we talk her into playing, because it is the only thing we know and we would be devastated if she quit softball after so many years?
5. My daughter throws 60mph in 10u: Translation: My daughter has a fastball, but not that fast, and she throws 60 when doing walkthroughs but probably only 45-50 during games, but really I don’t know because we have never really clocked her, but she is a pitcher and a good one!
6. My daughter is upset because she bats last in the batting order: Translation: My daughter doesn’t care where she bats as long as she bats, but it pisses me off to no end, that she bats 9th when the coaches kid bats 2nd and I think my kid is just as good, and I don’t care what people say about it taking an entire line up to score runs, I think she should be batting in the clean up hole, even with her .188 batting average and the coaches are morons because she is at the bottom of the line up, and I am not happy that she is IN the line up unless she bats where I think she should bat.
7. If the first baseman misses a ball, how should the error be recorded?: Translation: My daughter has made a few bad throws to first and got recorded making an error on game-changer because the 1st baseman didn’t catch the ball and isn’t it the first baseman’s job to catch everything, because I don’t think this is fair?
8. What bat is the best right out of the wrapper? Okay, so my kid is a so-so hitter and I really think that other kids are swinging loaded bats, and I want to spend $400 on a bat that will make her a superstar so she doesn’t have to spend hours practicing off a tee, or taking hitting lessons…
9. My daughter wants to play D1, she is 12, when should I start recruiting process? Translation: My daughter loves softball and she is 12, and she has no idea what D1 means, but she really enjoyed watching the World Series and loved the unifoms that Florida wore, and I think she could compete with those girls right now, so how much money will it take and what do I need to do to make sure she gets in front of Coach Walton as soon as possible?
10. My daughter has been on 6 teams in 3 years and it is impossible to find good coaching that isn’t daddy ball? Translation: Stay away from me and my kid, because if I don’t get exactly what I want, I will leave – even in the middle of a tournament and I don’t really care about anyone else but my kid, so unless you give her a starting spot at 3rd and can guarantee she will play every inning of every game and bat 3rd, we don’t think you know what you are doing, and we won’t commit.