When I am Coaching Softball

Ever wonder what the coach is REALLY thinking during games, while he/she is coaching? Wonder no more?

Wow (readjusting hat to hide frustration) Did she really just let that ball go right between her legs? We practiced fielding ground balls, for like oh – I don’t know, two hours last week during practice. She didn’t miss one. Not one. Gah. And her dad wonders why we don’t put her in the infield. I hope HE was watching that.

“Stay in front of the ball, kiddo – you will get it next time?”

She better get it next time or else I am pulling her and her daddy will complain again. Is anyone going to cover 2nd base, anyone? It’s obvious they are running? OMG who praytell was she throwing that ball to and what in God’s name is the right fielder doing besides not backing up first on the throw? This is embarrassing. This inning has to end. What’s wrong with these girls today? I think they have scored all their runs on 2 outs. We do have two outs, right?

“TWO OUTS GIRLS, PLAYS at FIRST!”

Yes, plays at first. First base! Field ball, pick it up and throw to FIRST base – please GOD just let them get out of this inning. How hard is that? How many times have we done this before? It’s not rocket science.

“CALL THE BALL GIRLS!”

Seriously???? Seriously??? They are so running next practice. Two players and the ball drops right between them. Did they think it was a watermelon falling out of the sky? Does one of them have a phone in their back pocket? Is she fixing her bow? oh my gawd these girls are killing me. Hello, there is a ball game going on here. I mean come on….

“SOMEONE PICK UP THE BALL!”

Pick up the ball, pick up the damn ball and throw it in.You see that little yellow thing, pick it up! Somebody! Should I call time out? They know what to do, I have taught them what to do.I can’t play the game for them. Maybe I should just let them suffer through it. Stand here and be quiet and see if they get out of this on their own. Is it hot in this dugout? I wonder if any of the parents have a beer in their cooler. Maybe she will just strike this girl out since we apparently cannot field balls today. Where are we at in the line-up? Has this inning lasted forever or what? Oh thank god a strike out! How much time is left in this game?

“GET IN HERE GIRLS AND GIVE ME SOME RUNS BACK!”

Yeah. Give me some runs back. Like 4 runs or better yet 5. The losers bracket is insane today, it would be so much easier to just win this game. Oh, wait – this is my team and they don’t like doing things the easy way. Nope…let’s play 5 games back to back without a break and win the hard way. I am getting too old for this. I think I need an aspirin. This game has to be about out of time!

“LISTEN TO ME. YOU OWE ME 5 RUNS. YOU JUST GAVE THAT TEAM 6 OUTS! LETS GET OUR HEADS IN THE GAME AND WIN THIS THING RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW.”

Why are they looking at me like that? Did I sound too angry? Oh no, is someone crying? I should be the one crying. I can’t handle crying right now. Why are parents standing behind the dugout? These girls are 14, can’t they just leave them alone. That’s all I need is parents here upsetting the girls. The fields have bleachers for a reason. Oh seriously, is her mom really going to try and talk to me right now about the game? If she tells me her daughter is on her period, I may just die. Maybe if I don’t look at her she will just go away. Who is up to bat?

“LET’S DO THIS GIRLS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!”

OMG did she really just swing at that?? How many times is she going to swing at that pitch? Now that was a nice hack. I hope someone goes and gets that foul ball? Balls are expensive.

“YOU GOT TWO ON YOU, STRAIGHTEN THAT OUT AND COME SEE ME!”

Now that’s a hit! Holy cow, Is she running in slow motion or what? Come on girl, get here (jumping up and down like a fool) Oh thank God she’s safe? Has anyone gotten that foul ball yet? I sure wish we could use base burners. And look at that another hit! RUN! Oh JEEZUS is he really calling her around to third? Did he just do that? Oh thank God she is safe! Yeah he’s smiling now, but if she got out I may have bumrushed him on 3rd!

“COME ON GIRLS, PASS IT DOWN – LET’S KEEP THIS GOING!”

I could use a couple walks right now. This pitcher is all over the place. Maybe she will just hit them and put them on base. But then there will be crying. Plus my team can hit. Well they normally can hit. But they normally can field ground balls too. OH NOOOO, what is she thinking? Did she really just try to steal

“GET DIRTY!”

**Brand NEW at the store** LOOKS GREAT PERSONALIZED!

Whew, she’s safe. Her little butt is lucky. How many times have I told her to slide! Her and I are gonna talk later. She got lucky this time. How much time is left? I need to waste time. I can’t take another inning of defense. One more run and we win this game. What’s the sign for waste time and tie your shoe before you get in the batters box? Wait, did I tell them that sign. NOW, would be a good time for someone to start crying. Why does she looking at me like that?

“HIT THE BALL KIDDO – YOU GOT THIS – Nobody better!”

Yes, just hit the ball. How hard is that? All those hours of practice. Just hit the ball and win the game and be a hero. Easy. No pressure. How many outs do we have? Time has to be almost up. Wonder if she can tell I am nervous. Why does she keep looking at me. Just hit the ball. Seriously, did she really just try to bunt with bases loaded and 2 outs? I bet her mama told her to do that, that woman drives me nuts. HIT THE BALL….HIT THE BALL….Oh Dear God, please just let her just hit the ball. Wow, the sky sure is pretty today. Boy I hope she gets a hit. Maybe we need to change the lineup up a bit. Does anyone have an aspirin, my chest feels tight. YESSSSSSS! She hit. I knew we would win!

“BALLGAME! Line ‘EM up! GREAT GAME GIRLS”

Greaat. We won! Now we have a three hour break. Just enough time for them to crash.