Softball Coaches. They are definitely hard working, excited, and ‘mostly’ fun folks to be around. And we have been around enough softball coaches to sort of be able to ‘pre-judge’ them pretty quickly. YES…we know it’s wrong to judge anyone, but COME ON…. we all do it…and it’s kinda funny. (Especially when you turn out to be spot on with the assessment)
Today – we poke some fun at softball coaches, and before you read on – PLEASE NOTE THAT A SENSE OF HUMOR IS REQUIRED, lest you be offended. (Because if you are familiar with SIFG, you know that we truly LOVE & respect those that step up to COACH!) So chill, and see if you can find any coaches you know in our typesets.
- Ned the Newbie! Ned is super excited, and has tons of notebooks and binders with everything in complete order. He has downloaded a complete library of softball drills and practices and uses his engineering (day job) skills to have the most perfectly organized and streamlined team experience possible. The only problem, is that these are real live humans, GIRLS at that, Ned is coaching, and they don’t always perform like the ones in the videos do, and Ned has NEVER picked up a bat (He is only coaching because no one else would volunteer and he is a 100 or nothing guy) so he has a hard time ‘showing’ the girls how to do anything, and the girls are 8. Also, nothing has adequately prepared him for real live human PARENTS.
- Hothead Harry! Harry has been around the coaching block a few times and is well known in the softball world. He is loud, and obnoxious, and a normal day for him on the field involves arguing with umpires about everything, and eventually getting kicked out of the game (where he sits behind the outfield fence and continues to yell). Harry is sort of a poor loser, and thinks nothing of making a gaggle of girls cry when they sucked up a game. He calls it tough love. Harry may or may not have a record, and may or may not carry around beer in his Yeti cup, and has no problem taking on an opponent’s first base coach (or first baseman) should the need arise.
- William the WINNER! William has a good team, with an almost perfect record, and he will win at all costs. Even if this means slumming in the lower level B or C level tournaments and run-ruling teams, because at the end of the day it’s all about that Facebook and Instagram picture on Facebook of his team holding the trophy.
- Stan the Used Car Salesman. Oh Stan…Stan is always selling. Selling his parents, selling his team. Constantly scoping out the competition and trying to recruit them, pretty sure that he can always improve his team by signing on the next set of unsuspecting parents and child. At some point, everyone within a 60 mile radius has played for Stan, because he is exceptional at talking the talk…he knows college coaches, and he tells you your kid will be his #1 starter, and he has a winning way of making you think that paying $400 for a set of uniforms is a bargain. Suddenly, you are on Stans team – and you’re good for a ‘season’ until Stan finds the next player to replace the Lemon he sees in your kid.
- Oscar the Over Achiever! Practice 5 times per week for 3 hours at a time. Each kid is required to do an additional 1-hour private lesson per week. They play every single weekend from February to November, and there is no such thing as time for a family vacation. Late for practice? She’s running foul poles. Strike out? OUT OF THE LINEUP. Oscar played sports in college, and he knows what it takes to be exceptional, and cannot understand what 10 year old would prefer to go to a birthday party over play ball. (Slackers…)
- Softie Sam. Softie Sam is every kid’s favorite! He brings candy and cupcakes to everything, always has a cooler full of drinks and no matter what happens on the field, no matter how many hours were spent at practice trying to learn one thing, he is NEVER EVER EVER disappointed or mad when things go wrong. Miss a bill? Sam has something nice to say. Cry? Same will let you sit out, and pat your shoulders. Lose a big game? It’s ok – have a cupcake, it will make everything better. It’s hard to ruffle Sams feathers, and even when the kids and parents get tired of losing, Sam is there to remind everyone that ‘all is well,’ and that things will improve. On Sam’s team everyone gets equal playing time even if it means losing, and the kids are fluffed and pampered with so much love and praise NO MATTER WHAT, that they all leave feeling like superstars (and have the trophies he bought them because they haven’t won a tournament) to prove it.
- Tough Love Tom! The kids know they are loved, the kids know what is expected of them. Tom acts tough and hard, but only because he truly wants to bring out the best in the kids. He may not praise often, but when he does – he means it. He isn’t afraid to tell a girl she sucks when she sucks, and can get away with it, because the kids know his heart and the kids know that way down deep he believes in them. Tom’s problems mostly lie with the parents, because they think he is a little mean, and they don’t like some of the things he says to their kids.
- Anger Management Andy. He is different from Hothead Harry in that he has no problem yelling at his own players at any given moment. A typical practice is him working off his frustration by hitting ground balls a million miles per hour at the infield and telling them to “Suck it up” when they get clocked in the neck….
- Guilt Trip Gary. Oh Gary…he spends hours in the outfield after games talking to the kids, when all they really wanna do is go home. He tells them how things were back in his day, and asks the kids questions like, “I put so much time into you and this is what I get in return, do y’all want me to quit?” Somehow in some way, everything that happens is about him, and he wants everyone to acknowledge his hard work and effort, and feel bad for him at the same time. If he complains to a parent, he ends up spewing a melodrama about everything HE has given up!
- She-Man Sheila. Look, we absolutely love female coaches and our own daughters have female coaches, but we have come across a few too many that feel like they have to prove something to the parents and players, umpires and opposing coaches by being some superhuman sort of strong and demanding. They have a chip on their shoulder and they think that everyone is against them just because they are a female coach in a FEMALE SPORT, coaching FEMALES… (We don’t think you have anything to prove!)